I am sitting outside, with my computer, while Daddy Bear hugs Tiger to sleep.
I am meant to be "working" but I can't concentrate. I miss her. I miss her soft, curling limbs, so trusting and safe in my arms. I miss her smell, that smell that is so uniquely "Tiger". I miss her little snuffling breaths.
I miss the way she shifts as she moves in and out of sleep cycles, and wondering what she's dreaming of.
I miss the Tiger-and-Mummyness that we share.
When - WHEN - will I see these moments away from Tiger as a reprieve? When will I value "me-time", the way everyone says I should? When will I not feel like I'm breaking when she's away from me for even a moment?
I'm supposed to want to "get away", aren't I? I'm supposed to yearn for the life I had before motherhood. I'm supposed to want to shut myself in the bathroom alone for an eternity.
I don't. I want her.
And yes, before you say it, when she's older I will give her freedom and independence and autonomy - because I know how important it is. I won't stifle her, because I know how damaging that is. And, besides, I want to see her grow into herself, assert herself, become a new, more grown-up Tiger. I will do all that, for her ...
But I will still miss the smell of Tiger, whenever I'm away from her. I still won't feel complete until we are together.
Because there has never been anything in my life so wonderfully lovely.
I'll return now to my "work", and to wishing she'd wake up darned soon so I can have a cuddle!
~ Love, Miss Cackle x
1 comments:
I didn't ever feel the need for 'me' time until I had 3 under 3, then when #4 arrived had 3 under 3 again! With my first, there was plenty of downtime when he was sleeping and the demands weren't so great. Enjoy this time and it's fine if you don't need time away - not everybody does. I can safely say now with a 7.5yo, 2x4.5yo and a 2yo, that just an hour by myself (especially after 6 days of parenting solo) is a sanity saver :)
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