I am not a natural mother

I do not have a maternal bone in my body.

This has always been the case. While my darling friend (and now new mum also), Auntie S, was mooning over Anne Geddes photographs in high school, I was making scrapbooks of pictures of cats, pigs, cows and rabbits. I always felt much more of an affinity with animals than humans. And I definitely felt more of a connection with animals than human babies.

I mean, what did you do with them? And why on Earth would I want to hold them? I'd drop them. I'd BREAK THEM. And then you might never invite me to your house again.

The first time in my nearly-thirty years of life that I ever held a baby was six months or so before Tiger was born, when I had a brief and ginger cuddle of The G Man, my friend Auntie J's son. I did it under duress - not because he wasn't a delightful child, but because ... see the point above: 

I MIGHT BREAK HIM.

I didn't, of course, but then I only held him for about thirty seconds before passing him back to my much-more-capable-with-these-things Husband Bear.

I wasn't clucky at all until about, oh, a year before falling pregnant with Tiger. And even when I did decide I wanted a child, I never wanted a baby. I didn't see myself cooing down at a gurgling infant. I pictured myself watching Spice Girls DVDs with my offspring when she was twelve or thirteen.

But then, something magical happened. 

The moment I fell pregnant, I fell in love.

The moment I saw that little blue line on the white stick, I found my maternal bone. I found hundreds of them. When we nearly lost (what we then referred to as Plus One), again and again, my Mummy Instinct kicked in, big time. Gosh darn did I adore this little thing, growing inside me.

When we found out she was a she and called her "Tessa Tiger" for the first time - oh Heavens, I never felt any love as huge.

And then, when she threatened to leave us again, bloody heck did I hold on tight to her and will her to arrive.

When she first kicked inside me, and rolled, and hiccuped ... Yeah, I got it. I got the "wanting to be a mum" thing. I already was a mum. I loved the girl inside me - who now sucked her thumb and wriggled to music - more than anything. Ever.

And then she came.

Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt.

Nothing like it. Indescribable. Heart bursting.

I may not be a "natural mother", but I am her mother. And it is the loveliest thing I've ever done.

~ Love, Miss Cackle x