Yesterday, my Tiger and I sat cuddling on our back porch, watching birds hop around the garden (for those of you who know me well, you'll understand why I was chuffed to see blackbirds AND STARLINGS!). As we cuddled, we had a little chat, and I said this to her:
Tiger, you are the most special, wondrous, magical thing that has ever entered my world. It is a privilege to be allowed to spend time with you each day, to watch you wriggle and roll and grab things and CHEW ALL OF THE THINGS. Watching you learn about the world is the most exciting, miraculous thing. Hugging you makes my heart hurt. Sharing stories with you, sharing all your first moments, sharing your little life ... all of that just makes my life so much luckier. You've already given me more than I could ever ask for. And I just want to spend every moment of my life giving all that happiness back to you.
But I will fail. I've already failed, so much and so often.
I failed to grow you inside me for as long as you needed. I failed to be able to cuddle you and kiss you and feed you in those first precious moments of your life. After months of trying, I now have to concede I'm failing to breastfeed you. I've failed at getting you to sleep in your bed during the day.
And, sometimes, you cry.
On a daily basis, there are little failures too. I failed to notice that you'd done a little spill until you faceplanted into it. I failed to prevent you getting your first papercut. I failed to put a nappy out for Daddy when he did your bath. I failed to clean your little hands of fluff until you'd made a big fluffball in your palm. I failed to realise you were chewing on Hairy MacLary until you'd eaten half of Bottomley Potts ...
I fail, big time, at getting all the housework done so you live in a tidy home.
And it would be so easy to concentrate on all of those failures. It would be so easy to list them in my head, over and over and make this life I share with you all about how bad a mother I am and how you deserve more.
But oh golly, Tiger! That would be such a waste. Because, despite my flaws, you smile at me every day, and you laugh and you squeal with pure joy at just being alive and for me to ignore that and concentrate instead on me and my hangups - that would be the biggest failing of all.
It won't always be lovely.
We won't always get along.
I will stuff up, over and over and over again but ...
You are still a miracle. You are still, and will always be, the most beautiful, magical, hard-working, funny, precious thing in my world and I am going to think more about that and less about how I've failed you. Because that smile and this cuddle and the story we just had mean I haven't really failed you at all.
Because you are just lovely. No, you know what? We are just lovely.
~ Love, Miss Cackle
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