I have a confession to make.
Sometimes, I miss being pregnant.
And I know that must sound very peculiar to those of you who know what my pregnancy was like - two threatened miscarriages, blood clots, one threatened preterm labour, months of contractions and hospital stays and nausea and sleeplessness and, eventually, a terrifying emergency caesarean six weeks before Tiger was meant to come into the world.
And it's true, this isn't the pregnancy I miss. I miss the pregnancy I was meant to have.
I miss months of happy anticipation. I miss buying lots of tiny clothes and toys - something we never did, because we weren't ever certain Tiger would even get here. I miss having a baby shower. I miss maternity clothes. I miss poring over pregnancy books. I miss prenatal classes. I miss pregnancy yoga. I miss being treated like I'm special and important and goddessy. I miss relaxing on the couch. I miss relaxing.
I miss having time for my body to be well and rested before the tiredness and stress that would be wrought on it after Tiger's birth.
My pregnancy was seven and a half months of pure terror. I don't think I ever felt calm in that whole time, even as I told myself that being calm was best for the baby (somehow telling myself to be calm always has the opposite effect).
I miss the joy that pregnancy is supposed to bring.
And before you all say, "But look! You got your Tiger. She is well and happy, so it was all worth it!"
This is obvious. And this is how I feel every single day. I feel so utterly grateful every day that my Tiger came out of all of that trauma healthy and beautiful and as utterly, incredibly awesome as she is. I would go through all I went through - and worse - over and over and over again if it meant she would exist. My daughter is amazing. I would jump in front of a bus for her.
But that doesn't mean, just sometimes, when I see friends experiencing all of the bliss that should come from growing a little person inside of you, I don't feel a pang of wishing I had that. It's that wondrous anticipation I regret not having, more than anything.
But then, I look at my girl, who this morning decided she wanted to hold ALL OF HER TOYS AT ONCE AND WAS NOT GIVING ANY OF THEM UP TO MUMMY EVVVEERRRRR and the regret and missing fades away. I will not ever get that joyous pregnancy. But I won't ever get to be a supermodel either, or an Olympic athlete, or a child prodigy. I need to look forward, not backwards. I need to look at all the years I have now with my Tiger.
I need to stop being so fish fingersing selfish.
Because she is the cat's pyjamas and no nine months of bliss could equal even a second of staring into her tiny face and seeing that little mouth open wide into an ecstatic grin.
She. Is. All of the lovely.
~ Love, Miss Cackle x
7 comments:
Kate, I sympathise with you. I too missed my two pregnancies because of severe illness. I too had hospital trips, many times and lots of crying in darkened hushed rooms. I too missed my first birth because of choking on vomit as my emergency caesarean was performed. etc.
In my first pregnancy I called my Obstetrician crying at 6 months and said " I can't do this anymore - make it go away" in reality that was the last thing I wanted. He was lovely and saw me straight away.
Noone - but people who have been through pregnancies that are fraught with danger to both baby and mother, with illness etc. will ever understand - even though they say they do.
I hated every other happy, glossy, shiny pregnant person - that was what I wanted to be like, look like, feel like. I hated every book, magazine etc. Except funnily I did continue to read Kaz Cooke and not hate her.
I too (although now too old) would love to experience a normal pregnancy - but I guess that is not our option. I too feel extremely blessed to have two beautiful children ( Yes I was silly enough to try again and so desperately wanted to give my first a sibling). But nearly killed myself doing it.
So like you I feel my kids are so very special, I love just sitting looking at them of a night even though now they are 9 and 6 but they are truly the most amazing miracle of my life - and I MADE THEM!
Maybe all of us in the blog community can make some of that come true. Maybe we could throw Kate a baby shower, but modify the games and the presents to suit Tiger! It's just an idea, comment below if you like it. :)
Thanks for the thought, Dani! It's much appreciated but, actually, just your thoughts and support are more than enough! Tiger is already VERY spoiled :o)
It was the only way I could think of to make any of it come true! You're such a beautiful person that you deserve all of the lovely!
I had a crappy pregnancy too with morning sickness that knocked me out every single day, up until the day of birth. Thankfully my baby thrived, while I lost weight. I left the hospital weighing less than when I got pregnant, which was the only perk, but my body was stuffed and I kept vomiting because it couldn't cope with real food. It took months to feel like myself, and then post natal depression hit. This is one of the reasons why I'm only having one child. I can't take my body going through all that again. You're right. We have to focus on the glass half full. It was really hard to come to the decision to have only one child. I did try, but a miscarriage and all the resulting complications made me feel like it was not meant to be and I had to put that dream away. It's still a tender pain that I carry, but my life is great. Sometimes you have to let go of a dream to open yourself up to something else and that's what I've done.
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. It means the world to me x
I know exactly what you're feeling, Kate. Pregnancy was pretty good once the morning sickness bit was over, and didn't get a choice at the end about a natural birth, but our child was healthy, that's all that mattered in the end.
But, not my choice, we were only able to have one child. I dreamed about being pregnant for a couple of years, then it passed. But I still occasionally think about it all, and sigh.
Take care, and enjoy all the moments of your delightful daughter and your gorgeous husband. :) Children grow up so quickly.
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